It was a beautiful spring afternoon. Students had just been dismissed, and I was standing at the bus loop with my colleagues, making surethe buses were loaded efficiently and safely. All of a sudden, a young girl’s scream cut through the routine:
“He’s not my dad!” she cried, pointing at the man approaching her.
In that moment, my training as an elementary educator — classes in teaching reading, child development, math, and classroom management — didn’t prepare me for what unfolded. No one had taught me how to navigate the complexities of divorce playing out in real time, in the lives of my students. My heart raced, but instinct took over. I sprinted forward, ready to protect her, only to realize within seconds that I was standing in the middle of a painful parental tug-of-war.
That wasn’t the first-or last-time divorce entered my classroom. Over the years, I’ve seen it in parent-teacher conferences that had to be scheduled separately because two adults couldn’t sit in the same room. I’ve been approached by attorneys asking me to testify — not for the child, but for one parent against another. These were stressful moments for me as an adult; I could only imagine the emotional toll on the children caught in the middle.
Divorce itself is not what harms children most — it’s how parents handle it. Research shows that high-conflict divorce can change a child’s brain and body chemistry. Prolonged stress elevates cortisol levels, which, over time, can interfere with healthy brain development. Studies show adults who grew up in high-conflict divorced households often have abnormally low baseline cortisol, a pattern linked to anxiety, depression, and impaired brain function (familytrailtips.com, verywellmind.com).
The impacts can ripple into long-term health. Children of divorce face elevated risks of depression and substance abuse.
Academically, children from conflicted divorces are statistically more likely to struggle with lower achievement, emotional regulation challenges, and anxiety-driven behaviors (JAACAP). Family disruption can trigger regression — clinginess, tantrums, aggression — behaviors teachers see daily in classrooms (extensionpubs.unl.edu).
And yet, not all divorce stories end this way. Some of the most well-adjusted, thriving students I’ve ever taught came from homes shaped by strong co-parenting.
Research is clear: children in shared custody arrangements — where they spend at least 35% of time with each parent — report better psychological, social, and academic outcomes. They tend to have higher self-esteem, lower rates of substance use, and healthier friendships (ifstudies.org).
The difference lies in how parents choose to work together. Cooperative co-parenting — where both adults prioritize the child, communicate respectfully, and remain present — is strongly associated with improved mental health, stronger family relationships, and academic success (verywellmind.com, ncfr.org).
One of my favorite teaching memories involves a 6th grader whose parents had divorced and remarried. His father and stepfather were both police officers in the same city. His mom and stepmom not only got along — they supported each other like sisters. Every school event, every conference, every “discipline meeting” was attended by this four-parent team, who worked together to ensure their son had the consistency and structure he needed. Their united front not only supported him, but it also modeled resilience, teamwork, and love for everyone around them — including me.
Children also learn by watching. Research even suggests that the way couples interact during something as simple as playing with dolls can predict their real-life co-parenting dynamic (Time.com). Children absorb these lessons. When parents manage conflict with respect, children learn emotional regulation, problem-solving, and empathy.
Educational programs like “Co-Parenting for Successful Kids” (child.unl.edu)show that parents can learn these skills. Families who complete such programs report reduced stress, greater self-confidence, and stronger, healthier dynamics for their children.
Divorce does not have to derail a child’s development. Yes, unmanaged conflict can cause emotional and neurological harm. But when parents commit to cooperative co-parenting, they create a protective shield around their child.
By maintaining consistent routines, modeling respectful communication, and showing up as a united team, divorced parents can raise children who are not just resilient, but also emotionally intelligent and socially prepared.
Children don’t choose their parents, but parents can choose how to show up fortheir children. Divorce may close one chapter of family life — but throughcooperative co-parenting, it can also open the door to a healthier, morehopeful future.
Sherri Smith-Dodgson is a wife, mother of two adultchildren, and proud “Gigi” to two grandsons, H&H. With 30 years ineducation, she is the founder of Miss Science®, an initiative to sparkinnovation through hands-on STEM learning. Sherri also supports educatorsthrough professional development and conference presentations, where sheadvocates for breaking down the silos of STEM and preparing children for aFuture Ready workforce.
- Harvard Center on the Developing Child
- NAEYC Position Papers
- Zero to Three (Early Brain Science)
- CASEL (SEL Competencies)
- World Economic Forum: Future of Jobs
- Americanspcc.org: The Benefits of Shared Parenting
- JAACAP: Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
- Ifstudies.org: Shared Parenting Research
- VeryWellMind, Time.com, SpringerLink
